How to do Laundry

Wife:

1. Get out of bed at 5:45 a.m. Stumble into bathroom. Notice hamper is overflowing. Pick up hamper and stumble down steps into basement. Nearly kill self in process as kitten weaves playfully around ankles the entire way down the stairs.

2. Dump laundry basket onto basement floor. Rub eyes and stare with resentment at the 8 loads of sorted laundry that are waiting to be done. Notice completely disheveled pile of clothes that husband helpfully placed next to neatly sorted piles, but, was unwilling to sort himself.

3. Sort laundry from husband's pile into color and wash-load temperature appropriate piles. Sort laundry from emptied laundry hamper.

4. Open dryer and remove dried clothes.

5. Open washer to remove clothes that husband was asked to wash the previous day to allow them to be ready for wife to throw into washer the next morning.

6. Discover that washing machine is completely empty.

7. Swear.

8. Stuff pile of clothing into washing machine. Notice that socks for every male in the house are all turned inside-out. Spend 10 minutes going through all socks to ensure that they are all right-side out and will get cleaned. In process, empty 5 pounds of sand onto floor from kids' sandbox.

9. Go upstairs to get broom. Notice stray socks laying on the floor. Pick them up and throw downstairs. Stop to feed the kitten to distract him from causing a fall down the basement stairs.

10. Stumble back downstairs with broom. Sweep up sand. Continue loading washing machine. Notice that you have about 5 clothing items too many to get all the whites done in one load, but not enough to do a second load later. The remaining items will be left to ferment until the next pile of whites arrives.

11. Add laundry detergent. Spill some all over the washing machine because you forgot to put glasses on and can't see what you're doing.

12. Add OxyClean. Gets whites white without yellowing and kills nasty boy germs on all the clothes.

13. Add fabric softener in hopes that the fresh scent will stay on the clothes long enough to show people that you really DO do laundry instead of assuming that stained boy clothes are just poor housekeeping skills and not the result of living with 3 boys (1 of which is a grown adult).

14. Press start.

15. Stumble back upstairs. Shower and get ready for day. Get a blast of cold water as the washing machine takes all the hot water for the load of whites you just threw in.

16. Get ready for work. Go downstairs to pull dress pants out of dryer. Remember that dress pants didn't get washed the day before and you have nothing to wear.

17. Swear. Stumble back upstairs and dig out dress pants that don't fit so well. Get dressed. Leave for work.

18. Come home over lunch hour. Go downstairs to pull clothes out of dryer. Realize you don't have any laundry baskets. Go upstairs. Find laundry baskets still at the bottom of the stairs waiting for husband to help put boys' clean laundry away.

19. Swear. Lug two laundry baskets upstairs to put away.

20. Open drawers and find shorts that WERE folded just days ago to be in an unorganized pile due to husband rummaging through drawers to find the pair at the very bottom of the pile. Re-fold and rearrange shorts. Leave note in armoire/drawers advising person messing up clothes to PLEASE fold them if they mess them up.

21. Open closet to hang shirts. Find 28 naked hangers still crammed between shirts. Notice unused hanger box where hangers are *supposed* to go to make Mom's job easier.

22. Swear. Find all unused hangers and hang clean shirts.

23. Take laundry baskets back to basement. Kitten realizes Mom is home and climbs her leg while she attempts to make her way to the basement.

24. Empty dryer. Take clothes from washer and put into dryer. Actually remember to turn dryer on this time.

25. Load washer with yet another load of clothing. Add soap, OxyClean and fabric softener. Start washer.

26. Trudge back upstairs. Dump clothes on bed to sort and fold them.

27. Sort clothes into piles: Husband's, oldest son's, youngest son's, Mom's. Notice that husband put all his folded clothes away, but no one else's.

28. Swear and mumble things about lazy-ass people that can't take the time and consideration to help out others.

29. Put away own clothes.

30. Put away husband's clothes. Notice that husband's drawers are all in the same mysterious condition as those of the children's. All prior folded clothes are crumpled, smashed and otherwise disheveled.

31. Swear a lot. Dump drawer contents on floor in rage, knowing that you will STILL end up being the one to refold and put them all away again because no one else will care.

32. Go back through bathroom to bring boy's clothes upstairs. Notice the laundry hamper is full again.

33. Bring hamper to top of basement stairs and push the whole damn thing down. You don't have the time or energy to carry it down and sort it.

34. Go back to work in a foul mood.

35. Pick up kids from daycare. Go home. Go to basement and sort clothes that you threw down there in a hissy-fit at lunch.

36. Take dry clothes from dryer. Stuff in laundry hamper since there are still no free laundry baskets.

37. Throw wet clothes in dyer. Start another load of laundry in the washing machine.

38. Bring clothes upstairs to fold. Hear gleeful shrieking from bathroom. Enter room to find that the sons have dumped the contents of the folded clothes from earlier in the day and are now trapping each other under the over-turned laundry basket.

39. Yell at children. Throw clothes back in basket. You'll tend to the clothes when you actually put them away.

40. Return to bedroom to fold clothes on the bed.

41. Answer phone. Find out it's husband saying he'll be home a little later for dinner and won't have much time to eat. Go to kitchen to make sure there is something for him to grab quick to eat.

42. Return to bedroom. Hear screaming, laughing boys on way. Enter bedroom to find both boys jumping on clean laundry and throwing it all over the place.

43. Yell. A lot. Boys run from room.

44. Give up in utter despair of actually making a dent in laundry. Throw all laundry off bed on floor. Curl up on bed in fetal position and cry. Swear. Hit pillow. Hear children yelling in kitchen. Go out to find can of soda spilled all over floor.

45. Have complete melt-down. Attempt to put kids to bed early. Leave nasty note for husband on his Facebook page since he hasn't bothered to help with laundry and seems to think that a laundry fairy visits the house and takes care of all of it. Stumle to bed, teary and exhausted. Fall into a fitful sleep.

Repeat. Daily.



Husband:
1. See hamper. Throw clothes in it. Notice it's full. Jam clothes in so you can manage to get the hamper lid closed. Ignore hamper. Shower and go on with morning. Enjoy a few episodes of kids shows with the boys. Turn the channel to American Chopper when the boys go outside to play.

2. Take boys to daycare. Get ready for work. Notice wife come home from work and start doing laundry. Say hi to her. Think to self what a hard worker she is. Make sure to leave status update on Facebook about how hard your wife works around the house. Don't offer to help. Leave for work.

3. Return from work to find clothes scattered all over house. Wonder how wife could be such a slob and not get anything done. Pick up clothes, not noticing they are clean, bring to basement and throw into a pile on the floor.

4. Dig through dresser drawer, spotting favorite t-shirt at bottom of drawer. Mess up contents of entire drawer while getting out t-shirt. Jam dresser drawer shut as far as you can get it.

5. Put t-shirt on and go to bed.

Repeat. Daily. Wonder why wife is always so crabby.