Cleaning 101 for Men

I love my husband, I really do, but I blame his parents for his cleaning habits or lack of cleaning habits. My belief is that he was never taught HOW to clean things properly. My husband has mastered the fine art of stacking things against the wall to make the floor appear wide open and clutter free. He knows how to swish a toilet brush in the toilet every few months. He is darn good at loading the dishwasher. He makes others look like amateurs when it comes to schlepping garbage bags back to the alley for the garbage man to pick up. BUT...he doesn't know how to clean.

Case in point: I live in a house dominated by the male species. Two young sons (3 & 5) and my husband. I am the only person in the house with female chromosomes and the good decency to know that a person should shower on a daily basis. Son #1 has been potty trained for some time now, but his aim is as bad as a 2 a.m. drunk. I've spent many a session cleaning piddle off the toilet seat, lid, back and especially that disgusting area around the base of the toilet. You know, the one that collects dust bunnies and other assorted floor cooties that mix in so well with the piddle to creat a gelatinous goo near the bolts the hold the commode to the floor. Ewwwww. My goal is to keep this concoction from forming at the base of the toilet, so I scrubbed the entire toilet so clean that I could have built a 7 layer salad in it. Well, not exactly, but close enough. I placed a container of Clorox Wet Wipes next to the toilet for future quick cleanups. A few days later, I noticed the dreaded yellow ooze creeping it's way back to the base of the toilet again. I told my husband that it was also his responsibility to help keep the toilet clean and asked him if he would PLEASE wipe it down. The next day when I came home from work for my lunch break, I glanced at the toilet to see if the piddle police had done their job. No such luck. The pool of piddle greeting me with a urine crystal shimmer. When I asked my husband why he hadn't wiped up the toilet, he replied: "Well, I didn't know what to use to clean it." I was dumbstruck. Remember, I had placed a full container of Clorox Clean Up Wipes next to the toilet, in plain sight. When I explained the usage of the Clorox Clean Up Wipes, I got that glazed over look that said he was hearing noise but that it wasn't quite making its way up to the cerebral cortex for storage and future reference. *sigh*

So...for men like my husband, who have no idea "what to use to clean it", I offer the following suggestions from someone who considers herself to be at least and intermediate level maid. Warning: ALWAYS READ THE INSTRUCTIONS ON THE BOTTLE IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING!

* Mr. Clean All Purpose Spray really isn't. As in, there are surfaces that it should NOT be used on, such as bedding. It may remove toddler piddle from your comforter, but it will also ruin the bedding. Bedding should be placed in a washing machine with the appropriate laundry detergent.

* Pine Sol is a wonderful, all-around cleaner. You can add a bit to a bucket of hot water and use the solution to clean hard surfaces all throughout your home. Pine Sol does not smell like a pine tree so do not water the Christmas tree with it in hopes that it will have a fresher smell.

* Mr. Clean Magic Eraser can be used on surfaces like walls to remove artwork drawn by pre-K students practicing their ABC's. It is not intended for chalk boards.

* The Shark Steam Mop is easy to master. Simply add tap water to the steam mop using the handy dandy filling container and attach the appropriate mop head and cover. Plug the steam mop in and wait for the magic. (30 seconds) Begin mopping. It's as easy as that. The back and forth motion will cause the steam mop to produce steam and clean your floor. You can even do this activity while watching football!

* Vacuum carpets and rugs. If you notice that it doesn't seem to be picking up soil, check to see if the dirt collection chamber is full. Empty it if it's more than half full. It is not necessary to dismantle the vacuum cleaner to do this and is usually a more likely cause of lost suction than of aliens stealing the belt that turns the roller beater under the vacuum.

* Microfiber cleaning clothes make window cleaning a cinch! Simply spray the window with water (no chemicals needed!) and wipe clean with the microfiber cloth. No streaks!

* Windex is NOT a carpet cleaner. Windex is NOT an upholstry cleaner. Windex is NOT for cleaning spills up off the area rug. Windex IS for cleaning windows, polishing chrome and cleaning hard surfaces.

* Self cleaning ovens do not have little elves living inside that chip away at burnt on food. Self cleaning ovens reduce cooked on foods to ash by heating themselves to around 500 degrees! If you have a lot of baked on mess in your oven, and you don't have a ventilation fan over your stove/oven, DO NOT use the self cleaning option on your oven as it will fill your entire house with thick, black smoke and you will receive a visit from your local volunteer Fire Department. Your neighbors will also wonder about your cooking skills.

* Loading the dishwasher and running the dishes through the cleaning cycle is great. What is even MORE great, though, is actually putting the dishes away when the dishwasher has finished. This way, you can load the dishwasher with dirty dishes as they are produced, rather than building the leaning tower of pizza plates in your kitchen sink because you have nowhere to put the dirty dishes.

* Toilet bowl cleaner will remove stains from your living room carpet. It will also bleach the fabric and leave a huge white spot where you swirled it. (Yes, this actually happened to someone I know. Her husband tried to clean a stain with toilet bowl cleaner and they now have a lovely swirly, bleached pattern on their living room carpet.)

Well, that's enough for tonight. I've given out quite a bit of information and it will probably cause overload to some men out there. I'll try and restrain myself so that I can add more tips, tricks and how-to's at a later date.

Happy scrubbing!