Wife:
1. Get out of bed at 5:45 a.m. Stumble into bathroom. Notice hamper is overflowing. Pick up hamper and stumble down steps into basement. Nearly kill self in process as kitten weaves playfully around ankles the entire way down the stairs.
2. Dump laundry basket onto basement floor. Rub eyes and stare with resentment at the 8 loads of sorted laundry that are waiting to be done. Notice completely disheveled pile of clothes that husband helpfully placed next to neatly sorted piles, but, was unwilling to sort himself.
3. Sort laundry from husband's pile into color and wash-load temperature appropriate piles. Sort laundry from emptied laundry hamper.
4. Open dryer and remove dried clothes.
5. Open washer to remove clothes that husband was asked to wash the previous day to allow them to be ready for wife to throw into washer the next morning.
6. Discover that washing machine is completely empty.
7. Swear.
8. Stuff pile of clothing into washing machine. Notice that socks for every male in the house are all turned inside-out. Spend 10 minutes going through all socks to ensure that they are all right-side out and will get cleaned. In process, empty 5 pounds of sand onto floor from kids' sandbox.
9. Go upstairs to get broom. Notice stray socks laying on the floor. Pick them up and throw downstairs. Stop to feed the kitten to distract him from causing a fall down the basement stairs.
10. Stumble back downstairs with broom. Sweep up sand. Continue loading washing machine. Notice that you have about 5 clothing items too many to get all the whites done in one load, but not enough to do a second load later. The remaining items will be left to ferment until the next pile of whites arrives.
11. Add laundry detergent. Spill some all over the washing machine because you forgot to put glasses on and can't see what you're doing.
12. Add OxyClean. Gets whites white without yellowing and kills nasty boy germs on all the clothes.
13. Add fabric softener in hopes that the fresh scent will stay on the clothes long enough to show people that you really DO do laundry instead of assuming that stained boy clothes are just poor housekeeping skills and not the result of living with 3 boys (1 of which is a grown adult).
14. Press start.
15. Stumble back upstairs. Shower and get ready for day. Get a blast of cold water as the washing machine takes all the hot water for the load of whites you just threw in.
16. Get ready for work. Go downstairs to pull dress pants out of dryer. Remember that dress pants didn't get washed the day before and you have nothing to wear.
17. Swear. Stumble back upstairs and dig out dress pants that don't fit so well. Get dressed. Leave for work.
18. Come home over lunch hour. Go downstairs to pull clothes out of dryer. Realize you don't have any laundry baskets. Go upstairs. Find laundry baskets still at the bottom of the stairs waiting for husband to help put boys' clean laundry away.
19. Swear. Lug two laundry baskets upstairs to put away.
20. Open drawers and find shorts that WERE folded just days ago to be in an unorganized pile due to husband rummaging through drawers to find the pair at the very bottom of the pile. Re-fold and rearrange shorts. Leave note in armoire/drawers advising person messing up clothes to PLEASE fold them if they mess them up.
21. Open closet to hang shirts. Find 28 naked hangers still crammed between shirts. Notice unused hanger box where hangers are *supposed* to go to make Mom's job easier.
22. Swear. Find all unused hangers and hang clean shirts.
23. Take laundry baskets back to basement. Kitten realizes Mom is home and climbs her leg while she attempts to make her way to the basement.
24. Empty dryer. Take clothes from washer and put into dryer. Actually remember to turn dryer on this time.
25. Load washer with yet another load of clothing. Add soap, OxyClean and fabric softener. Start washer.
26. Trudge back upstairs. Dump clothes on bed to sort and fold them.
27. Sort clothes into piles: Husband's, oldest son's, youngest son's, Mom's. Notice that husband put all his folded clothes away, but no one else's.
28. Swear and mumble things about lazy-ass people that can't take the time and consideration to help out others.
29. Put away own clothes.
30. Put away husband's clothes. Notice that husband's drawers are all in the same mysterious condition as those of the children's. All prior folded clothes are crumpled, smashed and otherwise disheveled.
31. Swear a lot. Dump drawer contents on floor in rage, knowing that you will STILL end up being the one to refold and put them all away again because no one else will care.
32. Go back through bathroom to bring boy's clothes upstairs. Notice the laundry hamper is full again.
33. Bring hamper to top of basement stairs and push the whole damn thing down. You don't have the time or energy to carry it down and sort it.
34. Go back to work in a foul mood.
35. Pick up kids from daycare. Go home. Go to basement and sort clothes that you threw down there in a hissy-fit at lunch.
36. Take dry clothes from dryer. Stuff in laundry hamper since there are still no free laundry baskets.
37. Throw wet clothes in dyer. Start another load of laundry in the washing machine.
38. Bring clothes upstairs to fold. Hear gleeful shrieking from bathroom. Enter room to find that the sons have dumped the contents of the folded clothes from earlier in the day and are now trapping each other under the over-turned laundry basket.
39. Yell at children. Throw clothes back in basket. You'll tend to the clothes when you actually put them away.
40. Return to bedroom to fold clothes on the bed.
41. Answer phone. Find out it's husband saying he'll be home a little later for dinner and won't have much time to eat. Go to kitchen to make sure there is something for him to grab quick to eat.
42. Return to bedroom. Hear screaming, laughing boys on way. Enter bedroom to find both boys jumping on clean laundry and throwing it all over the place.
43. Yell. A lot. Boys run from room.
44. Give up in utter despair of actually making a dent in laundry. Throw all laundry off bed on floor. Curl up on bed in fetal position and cry. Swear. Hit pillow. Hear children yelling in kitchen. Go out to find can of soda spilled all over floor.
45. Have complete melt-down. Attempt to put kids to bed early. Leave nasty note for husband on his Facebook page since he hasn't bothered to help with laundry and seems to think that a laundry fairy visits the house and takes care of all of it. Stumle to bed, teary and exhausted. Fall into a fitful sleep.
Repeat. Daily.
Husband:
1. See hamper. Throw clothes in it. Notice it's full. Jam clothes in so you can manage to get the hamper lid closed. Ignore hamper. Shower and go on with morning. Enjoy a few episodes of kids shows with the boys. Turn the channel to American Chopper when the boys go outside to play.
2. Take boys to daycare. Get ready for work. Notice wife come home from work and start doing laundry. Say hi to her. Think to self what a hard worker she is. Make sure to leave status update on Facebook about how hard your wife works around the house. Don't offer to help. Leave for work.
3. Return from work to find clothes scattered all over house. Wonder how wife could be such a slob and not get anything done. Pick up clothes, not noticing they are clean, bring to basement and throw into a pile on the floor.
4. Dig through dresser drawer, spotting favorite t-shirt at bottom of drawer. Mess up contents of entire drawer while getting out t-shirt. Jam dresser drawer shut as far as you can get it.
5. Put t-shirt on and go to bed.
Repeat. Daily. Wonder why wife is always so crabby.
Monday, July 26, 2010
Friday, April 9, 2010
Cleaning 101 for Men
I love my husband, I really do, but I blame his parents for his cleaning habits or lack of cleaning habits. My belief is that he was never taught HOW to clean things properly. My husband has mastered the fine art of stacking things against the wall to make the floor appear wide open and clutter free. He knows how to swish a toilet brush in the toilet every few months. He is darn good at loading the dishwasher. He makes others look like amateurs when it comes to schlepping garbage bags back to the alley for the garbage man to pick up. BUT...he doesn't know how to clean.
Case in point: I live in a house dominated by the male species. Two young sons (3 & 5) and my husband. I am the only person in the house with female chromosomes and the good decency to know that a person should shower on a daily basis. Son #1 has been potty trained for some time now, but his aim is as bad as a 2 a.m. drunk. I've spent many a session cleaning piddle off the toilet seat, lid, back and especially that disgusting area around the base of the toilet. You know, the one that collects dust bunnies and other assorted floor cooties that mix in so well with the piddle to creat a gelatinous goo near the bolts the hold the commode to the floor. Ewwwww. My goal is to keep this concoction from forming at the base of the toilet, so I scrubbed the entire toilet so clean that I could have built a 7 layer salad in it. Well, not exactly, but close enough. I placed a container of Clorox Wet Wipes next to the toilet for future quick cleanups. A few days later, I noticed the dreaded yellow ooze creeping it's way back to the base of the toilet again. I told my husband that it was also his responsibility to help keep the toilet clean and asked him if he would PLEASE wipe it down. The next day when I came home from work for my lunch break, I glanced at the toilet to see if the piddle police had done their job. No such luck. The pool of piddle greeting me with a urine crystal shimmer. When I asked my husband why he hadn't wiped up the toilet, he replied: "Well, I didn't know what to use to clean it." I was dumbstruck. Remember, I had placed a full container of Clorox Clean Up Wipes next to the toilet, in plain sight. When I explained the usage of the Clorox Clean Up Wipes, I got that glazed over look that said he was hearing noise but that it wasn't quite making its way up to the cerebral cortex for storage and future reference. *sigh*
So...for men like my husband, who have no idea "what to use to clean it", I offer the following suggestions from someone who considers herself to be at least and intermediate level maid. Warning: ALWAYS READ THE INSTRUCTIONS ON THE BOTTLE IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING!
* Mr. Clean All Purpose Spray really isn't. As in, there are surfaces that it should NOT be used on, such as bedding. It may remove toddler piddle from your comforter, but it will also ruin the bedding. Bedding should be placed in a washing machine with the appropriate laundry detergent.
* Pine Sol is a wonderful, all-around cleaner. You can add a bit to a bucket of hot water and use the solution to clean hard surfaces all throughout your home. Pine Sol does not smell like a pine tree so do not water the Christmas tree with it in hopes that it will have a fresher smell.
* Mr. Clean Magic Eraser can be used on surfaces like walls to remove artwork drawn by pre-K students practicing their ABC's. It is not intended for chalk boards.
* The Shark Steam Mop is easy to master. Simply add tap water to the steam mop using the handy dandy filling container and attach the appropriate mop head and cover. Plug the steam mop in and wait for the magic. (30 seconds) Begin mopping. It's as easy as that. The back and forth motion will cause the steam mop to produce steam and clean your floor. You can even do this activity while watching football!
* Vacuum carpets and rugs. If you notice that it doesn't seem to be picking up soil, check to see if the dirt collection chamber is full. Empty it if it's more than half full. It is not necessary to dismantle the vacuum cleaner to do this and is usually a more likely cause of lost suction than of aliens stealing the belt that turns the roller beater under the vacuum.
* Microfiber cleaning clothes make window cleaning a cinch! Simply spray the window with water (no chemicals needed!) and wipe clean with the microfiber cloth. No streaks!
* Windex is NOT a carpet cleaner. Windex is NOT an upholstry cleaner. Windex is NOT for cleaning spills up off the area rug. Windex IS for cleaning windows, polishing chrome and cleaning hard surfaces.
* Self cleaning ovens do not have little elves living inside that chip away at burnt on food. Self cleaning ovens reduce cooked on foods to ash by heating themselves to around 500 degrees! If you have a lot of baked on mess in your oven, and you don't have a ventilation fan over your stove/oven, DO NOT use the self cleaning option on your oven as it will fill your entire house with thick, black smoke and you will receive a visit from your local volunteer Fire Department. Your neighbors will also wonder about your cooking skills.
* Loading the dishwasher and running the dishes through the cleaning cycle is great. What is even MORE great, though, is actually putting the dishes away when the dishwasher has finished. This way, you can load the dishwasher with dirty dishes as they are produced, rather than building the leaning tower of pizza plates in your kitchen sink because you have nowhere to put the dirty dishes.
* Toilet bowl cleaner will remove stains from your living room carpet. It will also bleach the fabric and leave a huge white spot where you swirled it. (Yes, this actually happened to someone I know. Her husband tried to clean a stain with toilet bowl cleaner and they now have a lovely swirly, bleached pattern on their living room carpet.)
Well, that's enough for tonight. I've given out quite a bit of information and it will probably cause overload to some men out there. I'll try and restrain myself so that I can add more tips, tricks and how-to's at a later date.
Happy scrubbing!
Case in point: I live in a house dominated by the male species. Two young sons (3 & 5) and my husband. I am the only person in the house with female chromosomes and the good decency to know that a person should shower on a daily basis. Son #1 has been potty trained for some time now, but his aim is as bad as a 2 a.m. drunk. I've spent many a session cleaning piddle off the toilet seat, lid, back and especially that disgusting area around the base of the toilet. You know, the one that collects dust bunnies and other assorted floor cooties that mix in so well with the piddle to creat a gelatinous goo near the bolts the hold the commode to the floor. Ewwwww. My goal is to keep this concoction from forming at the base of the toilet, so I scrubbed the entire toilet so clean that I could have built a 7 layer salad in it. Well, not exactly, but close enough. I placed a container of Clorox Wet Wipes next to the toilet for future quick cleanups. A few days later, I noticed the dreaded yellow ooze creeping it's way back to the base of the toilet again. I told my husband that it was also his responsibility to help keep the toilet clean and asked him if he would PLEASE wipe it down. The next day when I came home from work for my lunch break, I glanced at the toilet to see if the piddle police had done their job. No such luck. The pool of piddle greeting me with a urine crystal shimmer. When I asked my husband why he hadn't wiped up the toilet, he replied: "Well, I didn't know what to use to clean it." I was dumbstruck. Remember, I had placed a full container of Clorox Clean Up Wipes next to the toilet, in plain sight. When I explained the usage of the Clorox Clean Up Wipes, I got that glazed over look that said he was hearing noise but that it wasn't quite making its way up to the cerebral cortex for storage and future reference. *sigh*
So...for men like my husband, who have no idea "what to use to clean it", I offer the following suggestions from someone who considers herself to be at least and intermediate level maid. Warning: ALWAYS READ THE INSTRUCTIONS ON THE BOTTLE IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING!
* Mr. Clean All Purpose Spray really isn't. As in, there are surfaces that it should NOT be used on, such as bedding. It may remove toddler piddle from your comforter, but it will also ruin the bedding. Bedding should be placed in a washing machine with the appropriate laundry detergent.
* Pine Sol is a wonderful, all-around cleaner. You can add a bit to a bucket of hot water and use the solution to clean hard surfaces all throughout your home. Pine Sol does not smell like a pine tree so do not water the Christmas tree with it in hopes that it will have a fresher smell.
* Mr. Clean Magic Eraser can be used on surfaces like walls to remove artwork drawn by pre-K students practicing their ABC's. It is not intended for chalk boards.
* The Shark Steam Mop is easy to master. Simply add tap water to the steam mop using the handy dandy filling container and attach the appropriate mop head and cover. Plug the steam mop in and wait for the magic. (30 seconds) Begin mopping. It's as easy as that. The back and forth motion will cause the steam mop to produce steam and clean your floor. You can even do this activity while watching football!
* Vacuum carpets and rugs. If you notice that it doesn't seem to be picking up soil, check to see if the dirt collection chamber is full. Empty it if it's more than half full. It is not necessary to dismantle the vacuum cleaner to do this and is usually a more likely cause of lost suction than of aliens stealing the belt that turns the roller beater under the vacuum.
* Microfiber cleaning clothes make window cleaning a cinch! Simply spray the window with water (no chemicals needed!) and wipe clean with the microfiber cloth. No streaks!
* Windex is NOT a carpet cleaner. Windex is NOT an upholstry cleaner. Windex is NOT for cleaning spills up off the area rug. Windex IS for cleaning windows, polishing chrome and cleaning hard surfaces.
* Self cleaning ovens do not have little elves living inside that chip away at burnt on food. Self cleaning ovens reduce cooked on foods to ash by heating themselves to around 500 degrees! If you have a lot of baked on mess in your oven, and you don't have a ventilation fan over your stove/oven, DO NOT use the self cleaning option on your oven as it will fill your entire house with thick, black smoke and you will receive a visit from your local volunteer Fire Department. Your neighbors will also wonder about your cooking skills.
* Loading the dishwasher and running the dishes through the cleaning cycle is great. What is even MORE great, though, is actually putting the dishes away when the dishwasher has finished. This way, you can load the dishwasher with dirty dishes as they are produced, rather than building the leaning tower of pizza plates in your kitchen sink because you have nowhere to put the dirty dishes.
* Toilet bowl cleaner will remove stains from your living room carpet. It will also bleach the fabric and leave a huge white spot where you swirled it. (Yes, this actually happened to someone I know. Her husband tried to clean a stain with toilet bowl cleaner and they now have a lovely swirly, bleached pattern on their living room carpet.)
Well, that's enough for tonight. I've given out quite a bit of information and it will probably cause overload to some men out there. I'll try and restrain myself so that I can add more tips, tricks and how-to's at a later date.
Happy scrubbing!
Friday, March 19, 2010
Kaden'isms and Dalton'isms That Make Me Laugh
** Kaden had a very difficult time saying the word pillow. Until recently, it came out as pwiddle or pliddle. The other day, I was a little sleepy and I was joking with Kaden that I needed a pwiddle to lay my head on. He got huffy with me and said, "Mom, it's piiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii-llow. Not pwiddle or pliddle!" *sigh* His pre-k teachers teach too well.
** Dalton loves the movie Finding Nemo. He especially loves Bruce the Shark. "Fish are friends, not food!" Knowing about his love for sharks, I've recently checked out a few shark books from the library for him, and also just got him a National Geographic children's book on sharks. He calls them "shark fish". Just like there are clown fish, there are "shark fish" in the sea too!
** Both boys, like so many other children, like the Toy Story movie. Dalton has a pair of Toy Story pajamas with Buzz Lightyear on them. One night, while getting them all jammied up, I asked Dalton who was on his jammies: "BUZZ LIGHTBEER!!!", he replied. Kaden, the all-knowing big brother said, "it's not Buzz Light Beer, it's Buzz Light YEAR!"
** We recently acquired a landline telephone after nearly 9 years without one. We didn't miss it, but figured that with the kids getting older, we should have a landline phone. We've been working on phone etiquette with Kaden. Often, I will call from work to relay information to my husband since we work opposite shifts. Kaden usually beats Paul to the phone, and when I ask to speak with Daddy, will always say, "OK, Mom...but when you're done talking at Dad, can you talk back to me?" I wonder if he realizes that there will come a day when he doesn't want to be "talked back at" by his Mom?
There are so many more 'isms', but it's been a long day. More to come! My kids are as full of it as I am!
** Dalton loves the movie Finding Nemo. He especially loves Bruce the Shark. "Fish are friends, not food!" Knowing about his love for sharks, I've recently checked out a few shark books from the library for him, and also just got him a National Geographic children's book on sharks. He calls them "shark fish". Just like there are clown fish, there are "shark fish" in the sea too!
** Both boys, like so many other children, like the Toy Story movie. Dalton has a pair of Toy Story pajamas with Buzz Lightyear on them. One night, while getting them all jammied up, I asked Dalton who was on his jammies: "BUZZ LIGHTBEER!!!", he replied. Kaden, the all-knowing big brother said, "it's not Buzz Light Beer, it's Buzz Light YEAR!"
** We recently acquired a landline telephone after nearly 9 years without one. We didn't miss it, but figured that with the kids getting older, we should have a landline phone. We've been working on phone etiquette with Kaden. Often, I will call from work to relay information to my husband since we work opposite shifts. Kaden usually beats Paul to the phone, and when I ask to speak with Daddy, will always say, "OK, Mom...but when you're done talking at Dad, can you talk back to me?" I wonder if he realizes that there will come a day when he doesn't want to be "talked back at" by his Mom?
There are so many more 'isms', but it's been a long day. More to come! My kids are as full of it as I am!
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Confessions of a Cosmoholic
Okay...so I'm not a Cosmopolitan magazine-aholic as you might assume by the title, but Cosmeholic looked just downright stupid. Yes, that's right. I am a cosmetics junkie. I have issues.
It started oh so innocently when I was a young, makeup-challenged, princess wannabe growing up in Frogtown. (That's a story for another time.) I remember watching my mother get all glammed up to go out for a night out the town with my Dad. Mom was always beautiful, with her porcelain skin, soft eyes and delicate features. Of course, the makeup look in the 70's was hippie chic, but I remember her wearing simple eyeliner, a sweep of mascara, a little blush and lipstick. I can't even recall what shade of lipstick it was, but that didn't matter. It was MAKEUP. Magic in a tube with the power to transform the everyday housewife into the fabulous "going out lady". I wanted that lipstick with all my 5 year old heart so I could be a pretty lady too.
Fast forward to one afternoon with a little too much boredom going on. Mom was in the garden, or cleaning, or doing something that Mom's do that keep them busy and unable to watch their sneaky little kidlings. Mini-princess Stacie tippy toed into Mom's room, spied the magical lipstick on the vanity, applied a huge swatch of color across her lips, and tucked the tube securely in the front of her pants to secret away to the magical palace. (Stacie's plaid 70's pants didn't have pockets) Half way across the moat (living room), and in front of the evil dragon (Dad), the unthinkable happened. The lipstick slipped through the waistband of the plaid 70's pants, slithered down my leg, and rolled out across the living room floor. Oddly, I don't remember much about being 5, but I remember what followed with perfect clarity. There were dust motes dancing in the light coming through the front door. Those evil dust motes drew the sunbeam down to beautifully light up the pilfered lipstick tube. I stopped dead. The dragon looked at me and growled, "Did you take your Mother's lipstick?" Hmmmmm......how to best get out of THIS one? "Nuh uh!....it must have been someone else. I didn't take Mom's lipstick." I was a horrible liar at the age of 5 and I remember getting quite the spanking that afternoon for not only swiping Mom's lipstick, but also for lying to the dragon...er...Dad. I was hooked though. I should clarify. Hooked on the LIPSTICK, not on a life of crime.
It's tough to grow up with a plain face in a world of natural beauties. Late elementary school to junior high was a horrible time to be surrounded with natural beauties. Some people look plain FABULOUS without makeup. My younger sister is one of those lucky people. As a child, she had sun-kissed, blonde hair. Mine was mousy brown. She had full lips that I used to make fun of, and now totally envy. My lips were thinner than a saltine cracker. She had lush eyelashes that fluttered like little wisps of dandelion fluff. Mine were practically invisible pieces of stubble. Oh, how I envied people like my sister. They could go places without makeup and still look gorgeous. When I went without makeup, people asked if I was sick. As soon as Mom gave me permission in 6th grade to start wearing some makeup, I was all over it. Lip gloss was my first addiction. Bonne Bell lipsmackers in the industrial sized tube. That thing was fatter than a roll of quarters, and it was packed full of succulent, strawberry-flavored lip lusciousness. Not only did it give my lips a hint of rosy color, it also worked great as an afternoon snack. (Yeah, like YOU never tried a little nibble of YOUR Bonne Bell lip smacker to see if it tasted as great as it smelled....)
Junior high school gave way to more makeup privileges. I didn't have any money, but that didn't stop me. I begged and pleaded with any grown-up that would listen about how I neeeeeeded makeup for my birthday/Christmas/Halloween/grocery shopping excursion on my 10-speed bike.... My aunt Angie took pity on me on more than one occasion. Soon I had amassed a small stack of eye shadows, lip glosses, blush...and even a eye liner and tube of mascara! All hell broke loose by 8th grade. I was no longer content to have a natural look. COME ON! This was the 80'S!!! Excess was the best! I developed, horror of horrors, raging acne. (I battle it to this day at 38...er....28) Enter Cover Girl Clean Foundation. Oh, that stuff smelled horrible, but it covered up the herd of zits that had parked themselves on my face. There was no such thing as being "color matched" at Pamida, so I got whatever I wanted my skin tone to be. Never mind that my too dark foundation made my face look like old Michael Jackson (the Thriller stage) and my neck look as pale as new Michael Jackson (the 2000's Michael).
Senior high was my full-out, shock the masses makeup. Oh, I had it goin' ON! Frosted cupcake pink lipstick with more shimmer than Liberace's outfits, bright pink Cover Girl Cheekers blush streaked straight up to my Sun-Inned hairline, babydoll pink powder eyeshadow.....and ELECTRIC BLUE eyeliner AND mascara. I was hot. Problem was, no one else knew it. They didn't see my artistic expression as being beautiful, but I didn't know THAT. (Why does no one tell you that you looked like a clown until your 10 year class reunion?) I remember the ONE year I was in Track (as a miserable failure that probably made my Dad want to cry) I was strutting my stuff in my full-out electric blue and princess pink glory. I remember some guys from another track team watching me as I went by. They were pretty cute. :D Then I heard them yell: "Holy $%@&! Did you see how BLUE her EYELASHES were? They were, like, NEON! Holy smurfoley!" (Yes, even teenage boys in the 80's spoke Valley Girl) Raucous laughter ensued, my heart was broken, and I vowed to learn how to use makeup and become beautiful instead of a weird Dee Snyder knockoff. While my classmates went on dates, or were involved in athletics or had fabulous fun times in huge groups, I pored through Glamour and Seventeen magazines learning how to blend, contour and sculpt. I didn't have much of a life, but I didn't want to spend the rest of my life being laughed at. Remember, it doesn't feel good to never have been a "natural" beauty and to have to work at looking good all the time. So, work and learn, I did. It didn't do much for my social life, but I became pretty darn good at looking better.
A lot has changed since high school. I don't wear ANYTHING electric blue or icy pink. I have banned Cover Girl foundations from my spackle arsenal and I most certainly try to avoid dollar store makeup. A lot also hasn't changed. I still battle hyper oily skin that only responds to prescription retinoids. I still have small eyes with sparse lashes and even more invisible eyebrows. (Mom "affectionately" referred to my eyes as pissholes in a snowbank when we'd joke around about my "natural" beauty.) My lips are still thin as a saltine and my skin isn't as perky as it used to be. However, my tastes have matured. No longer satisfied with the Cover Girl and Maybelline types of makeup lines, I've discovered Clinique, Urban Decay, L'oreal/Lancome, Avon's mark line and my latest obsession....MAC! Oh, the things I can do with quality makeup! I've never been one for the "natural" look. I figure if I'm going to have fun with makeup, I'm going to HAVE FUN with makeup! I trend toward the smokey eye look....smoldering browns that make the blue of my eyes pop and give them depth. Lengthening mascaras that add length and definition to the short bristles I call lashes. Shimmering glosses that add the appearance of fullness to my scant lips. Micro-finish powers that temporarily mask the oil slick that repeatedly appears on my face throughout the day.
Ahhhhhhhh, yes. It's been a love/hate relationship for nearly 30 years. (Have I been wearing makeup THAT LONG?!!) I may not have a natural look, but I do have a fairly decent look. I know I must be doing something right when I have high school girls ask me how to recreate my eye makeup look or what products I use and where they can buy them. It feels good. It's a far cry from the cruel reactions I got from people in high school. Yes, makeup can transform your life when you're a very plain, mousy girl looking for a bit of confidence. Anyone can be a princess. It's up to the girl to make the princess emerge through the power of makeup.
Bring on the spackle!
It started oh so innocently when I was a young, makeup-challenged, princess wannabe growing up in Frogtown. (That's a story for another time.) I remember watching my mother get all glammed up to go out for a night out the town with my Dad. Mom was always beautiful, with her porcelain skin, soft eyes and delicate features. Of course, the makeup look in the 70's was hippie chic, but I remember her wearing simple eyeliner, a sweep of mascara, a little blush and lipstick. I can't even recall what shade of lipstick it was, but that didn't matter. It was MAKEUP. Magic in a tube with the power to transform the everyday housewife into the fabulous "going out lady". I wanted that lipstick with all my 5 year old heart so I could be a pretty lady too.
Fast forward to one afternoon with a little too much boredom going on. Mom was in the garden, or cleaning, or doing something that Mom's do that keep them busy and unable to watch their sneaky little kidlings. Mini-princess Stacie tippy toed into Mom's room, spied the magical lipstick on the vanity, applied a huge swatch of color across her lips, and tucked the tube securely in the front of her pants to secret away to the magical palace. (Stacie's plaid 70's pants didn't have pockets) Half way across the moat (living room), and in front of the evil dragon (Dad), the unthinkable happened. The lipstick slipped through the waistband of the plaid 70's pants, slithered down my leg, and rolled out across the living room floor. Oddly, I don't remember much about being 5, but I remember what followed with perfect clarity. There were dust motes dancing in the light coming through the front door. Those evil dust motes drew the sunbeam down to beautifully light up the pilfered lipstick tube. I stopped dead. The dragon looked at me and growled, "Did you take your Mother's lipstick?" Hmmmmm......how to best get out of THIS one? "Nuh uh!....it must have been someone else. I didn't take Mom's lipstick." I was a horrible liar at the age of 5 and I remember getting quite the spanking that afternoon for not only swiping Mom's lipstick, but also for lying to the dragon...er...Dad. I was hooked though. I should clarify. Hooked on the LIPSTICK, not on a life of crime.
It's tough to grow up with a plain face in a world of natural beauties. Late elementary school to junior high was a horrible time to be surrounded with natural beauties. Some people look plain FABULOUS without makeup. My younger sister is one of those lucky people. As a child, she had sun-kissed, blonde hair. Mine was mousy brown. She had full lips that I used to make fun of, and now totally envy. My lips were thinner than a saltine cracker. She had lush eyelashes that fluttered like little wisps of dandelion fluff. Mine were practically invisible pieces of stubble. Oh, how I envied people like my sister. They could go places without makeup and still look gorgeous. When I went without makeup, people asked if I was sick. As soon as Mom gave me permission in 6th grade to start wearing some makeup, I was all over it. Lip gloss was my first addiction. Bonne Bell lipsmackers in the industrial sized tube. That thing was fatter than a roll of quarters, and it was packed full of succulent, strawberry-flavored lip lusciousness. Not only did it give my lips a hint of rosy color, it also worked great as an afternoon snack. (Yeah, like YOU never tried a little nibble of YOUR Bonne Bell lip smacker to see if it tasted as great as it smelled....)
Junior high school gave way to more makeup privileges. I didn't have any money, but that didn't stop me. I begged and pleaded with any grown-up that would listen about how I neeeeeeded makeup for my birthday/Christmas/Halloween/grocery shopping excursion on my 10-speed bike.... My aunt Angie took pity on me on more than one occasion. Soon I had amassed a small stack of eye shadows, lip glosses, blush...and even a eye liner and tube of mascara! All hell broke loose by 8th grade. I was no longer content to have a natural look. COME ON! This was the 80'S!!! Excess was the best! I developed, horror of horrors, raging acne. (I battle it to this day at 38...er....28) Enter Cover Girl Clean Foundation. Oh, that stuff smelled horrible, but it covered up the herd of zits that had parked themselves on my face. There was no such thing as being "color matched" at Pamida, so I got whatever I wanted my skin tone to be. Never mind that my too dark foundation made my face look like old Michael Jackson (the Thriller stage) and my neck look as pale as new Michael Jackson (the 2000's Michael).
Senior high was my full-out, shock the masses makeup. Oh, I had it goin' ON! Frosted cupcake pink lipstick with more shimmer than Liberace's outfits, bright pink Cover Girl Cheekers blush streaked straight up to my Sun-Inned hairline, babydoll pink powder eyeshadow.....and ELECTRIC BLUE eyeliner AND mascara. I was hot. Problem was, no one else knew it. They didn't see my artistic expression as being beautiful, but I didn't know THAT. (Why does no one tell you that you looked like a clown until your 10 year class reunion?) I remember the ONE year I was in Track (as a miserable failure that probably made my Dad want to cry) I was strutting my stuff in my full-out electric blue and princess pink glory. I remember some guys from another track team watching me as I went by. They were pretty cute. :D Then I heard them yell: "Holy $%@&! Did you see how BLUE her EYELASHES were? They were, like, NEON! Holy smurfoley!" (Yes, even teenage boys in the 80's spoke Valley Girl) Raucous laughter ensued, my heart was broken, and I vowed to learn how to use makeup and become beautiful instead of a weird Dee Snyder knockoff. While my classmates went on dates, or were involved in athletics or had fabulous fun times in huge groups, I pored through Glamour and Seventeen magazines learning how to blend, contour and sculpt. I didn't have much of a life, but I didn't want to spend the rest of my life being laughed at. Remember, it doesn't feel good to never have been a "natural" beauty and to have to work at looking good all the time. So, work and learn, I did. It didn't do much for my social life, but I became pretty darn good at looking better.
A lot has changed since high school. I don't wear ANYTHING electric blue or icy pink. I have banned Cover Girl foundations from my spackle arsenal and I most certainly try to avoid dollar store makeup. A lot also hasn't changed. I still battle hyper oily skin that only responds to prescription retinoids. I still have small eyes with sparse lashes and even more invisible eyebrows. (Mom "affectionately" referred to my eyes as pissholes in a snowbank when we'd joke around about my "natural" beauty.) My lips are still thin as a saltine and my skin isn't as perky as it used to be. However, my tastes have matured. No longer satisfied with the Cover Girl and Maybelline types of makeup lines, I've discovered Clinique, Urban Decay, L'oreal/Lancome, Avon's mark line and my latest obsession....MAC! Oh, the things I can do with quality makeup! I've never been one for the "natural" look. I figure if I'm going to have fun with makeup, I'm going to HAVE FUN with makeup! I trend toward the smokey eye look....smoldering browns that make the blue of my eyes pop and give them depth. Lengthening mascaras that add length and definition to the short bristles I call lashes. Shimmering glosses that add the appearance of fullness to my scant lips. Micro-finish powers that temporarily mask the oil slick that repeatedly appears on my face throughout the day.
Ahhhhhhhh, yes. It's been a love/hate relationship for nearly 30 years. (Have I been wearing makeup THAT LONG?!!) I may not have a natural look, but I do have a fairly decent look. I know I must be doing something right when I have high school girls ask me how to recreate my eye makeup look or what products I use and where they can buy them. It feels good. It's a far cry from the cruel reactions I got from people in high school. Yes, makeup can transform your life when you're a very plain, mousy girl looking for a bit of confidence. Anyone can be a princess. It's up to the girl to make the princess emerge through the power of makeup.
Bring on the spackle!
Monday, March 15, 2010
My thoughts on the Academy Awards red carpet looks
I would like to preface this by saying that I don't have a hope of looking even as well dressed as the worst dressed woman on the carpet. Well, maybe....
Sandra Bullock - GORGEOUS. Shimmery, body hugging and glamorous. Her hair looked silky and contrasted nicely against the light color of her dress. http://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/galleries/the_2010_academy_awards_the_oscars_red_carpet_winners_and_big_moments/the_2010_academy_awards_the_oscars_red_carpet_winners_and_big_moments.html
Mo'nique - I loved that blue on her and the flowers in her hair were gorgeous, and a bit different from what we normally see on the carpet. Very simple and classy. http://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/galleries/the_2010_academy_awards_the_oscars_red_carpet_winners_and_big_moments/the_2010_academy_awards_the_oscars_red_carpet_winners_and_big_moments.html
Gabourney Sidbe - It's tough to look glamorous in a size 0 world, but that girl was WORKIN' it. Her personality is to die for! The blue was elegant on her and I loved the silver adornments. The only thing I wish she would have done differently was her hair. It was just too blah for her look. http://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/galleries/the_2010_academy_awards_the_oscars_red_carpet_winners_and_big_moments/the_2010_academy_awards_the_oscars_red_carpet_winners_and_big_moments.html
Meryl Streep - Classic. Very simple and elegant, but terribly blaaaaaah. I don't think that dress could have worked on anyone else and sheer white is so difficult to pull off without looking like a dinner napkin. It worked well for Meryl, but it didn't "wow" me. http://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/galleries/the_2010_academy_awards_the_oscars_red_carpet_winners_and_big_moments/the_2010_academy_awards_the_oscars_red_carpet_winners_and_big_moments.html
Penelope Cruz - I loved the cranberry color on her, but I couldn't help but flash back to late 80's/early 90's prom dresses. http://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/galleries/the_2010_academy_awards_the_oscars_red_carpet_winners_and_big_moments/the_2010_academy_awards_the_oscars_red_carpet_winners_and_big_moments.html
Anna Kendrick - The dress was soft and lovely, but the color washed her out horribly. It was hard to tell where the dress ended and her leg started in the slit in the dress. So much potential...such a horrible color. http://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/galleries/the_2010_academy_awards_the_oscars_red_carpet_winners_and_big_moments/the_2010_academy_awards_the_oscars_red_carpet_winners_and_big_moments.html
Sarah Jessica Parker - Hate, hate HATED it. Uck. It looked like she had flowers metal plated onto her chest. What was up with the scarfy strap wrapped around her neck? Matthew could have used it on the carpet to reel her in when she wandered too far away. And what was up with the HAIR? Cinnabuns on her head? Princess Leia in the back, sleek in the front? The only plus? The yellow color of the dress was beautiful. http://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/galleries/the_2010_academy_awards_the_oscars_red_carpet_winners_and_big_moments/the_2010_academy_awards_the_oscars_red_carpet_winners_and_big_moments.html
Kate Winslet - Another old Hollywood style dress, but the color left me a little blah. I loved her statement necklace. So many ladies wearing strapless dresses left the necklaces off, but not Kate. I still love her best in auburn hair, but she looked very old Hollywood with the blonde waves cascading down. http://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/galleries/the_2010_academy_awards_the_oscars_red_carpet_winners_and_big_moments/the_2010_academy_awards_the_oscars_red_carpet_winners_and_big_moments.html
Kristen Stewart - The dress was great in silky midnight blue, but if that girl doesn't smile soon, I'm going to have to kick her ass. You're at the OSCAR'S girl! Show a little appreciation for what you've achieved. http://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/galleries/the_2010_academy_awards_the_oscars_red_carpet_winners_and_big_moments/the_2010_academy_awards_the_oscars_red_carpet_winners_and_big_moments.html
Mariah Carey - Skanky as ever. When is she going to quit dressing like a 21 year old? (Mimi...you're beautiful, and we know it, but dressing your age is SO much classier than leaving nothing to the imagination.) I think I'd drop dead of shock if I saw her covered up. http://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/galleries/the_2010_academy_awards_the_oscars_red_carpet_winners_and_big_moments/the_2010_academy_awards_the_oscars_red_carpet_winners_and_big_moments.html
Miley Cyrus - Had the quadra-boob thing going on. I hate tops with that style "cup" on them. Looks horrible on everyone and it drives me up a wall when women wear it. This dress was too mature for her. She needs to have FUN with fashion while she can! http://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/galleries/the_2010_academy_awards_the_oscars_red_carpet_winners_and_big_moments/the_2010_academy_awards_the_oscars_red_carpet_winners_and_big_moments.html
Cameron Diaz - LOVED it! Sparkly, but not in a bedazzler kind of way. She had the "girl next door grows up and turns into a bombshell" look going on. http://oscar.go.com/red-carpet/82nd-red-carpet/4294/4847
Jennifer Lopez - I'm torn on this. Not a fan of the color, but I liked the unique style on the front. (Was it made out of bubble wrap?) From the side and back though, she looked like sausage casing. Could she breathe? http://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/galleries/the_2010_academy_awards_the_oscars_red_carpet_winners_and_big_moments/the_2010_academy_awards_the_oscars_red_carpet_winners_and_big_moments.html
Demi Moore - Loved the dress, but that peachy beige was soooooo boring. Blended too much with her own skin tone. I'm not a fan of that look. (Really hate it when Nicole Kidman does that too) I think it would have been PERFECT for her in a more vibrant color. Deep peach? Emerald green? http://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/galleries/the_2010_academy_awards_the_oscars_red_carpet_winners_and_big_moments/the_2010_academy_awards_the_oscars_red_carpet_winners_and_big_moments.html
Charlize Theron - Oh.......Charlize. What the hell..... I thought it looked like she had cinnamon rolls on her hootie hoos. Other than that, the dress would have been beautiful, but otherwise? Ugh. And do NOT pair a RED LIP with a LAVENDAR DRESS unless you want people to think you got ready to go BEFORE you picked out your Oscar dress and color scheme! http://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/galleries/the_2010_academy_awards_the_oscars_red_carpet_winners_and_big_moments/the_2010_academy_awards_the_oscars_red_carpet_winners_and_big_moments.html
Taylor Lautner - OK. Don't get mad. He's not a she. But he was just so hot that I had to add him to my list as a DO! ;) I was licking the TV screen. I am soooo team Jacob. http://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/galleries/the_2010_academy_awards_the_oscars_red_carpet_winners_and_big_moments/the_2010_academy_awards_the_oscars_red_carpet_winners_and_big_moments.html
Zoe Saldana - Beautiful, beautiful, BEAUTIFUL! ....Until I got to the purple cauliflower/pinata deformities below her knees. I felt the urge to belt out "Copacobana". Ugh. I just couldn't get past that crap on the bottom. I loved the color though and just with it would have been designed differently. http://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/galleries/the_2010_academy_awards_the_oscars_red_carpet_winners_and_big_moments/the_2010_academy_awards_the_oscars_red_carpet_winners_and_big_moments.html
Tina Fey - Simple. She should really try something besides black one of these days. I love how she was rocking an 80's pompadour hair style. Kind of. On a plus side, she improved vastly from her Golden Globes dress. http://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/galleries/the_2010_academy_awards_the_oscars_red_carpet_winners_and_big_moments/the_2010_academy_awards_the_oscars_red_carpet_winners_and_big_moments.html
Elizabeth Banks - Normally, I'm not crazy about grey dresses on anyone, but this looked heavenly on her. Paired with the crystal hair decorations, I thought it was very classy and gorgeous. I'm jealous because I know I could never pull off wearing this color. I'd be paler than Casper the Ghost. http://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/galleries/the_2010_academy_awards_the_oscars_red_carpet_winners_and_big_moments/the_2010_academy_awards_the_oscars_red_carpet_winners_and_big_moments.html
Queen Latifah - Nailed it. That dress was GORGEOUS on her. The color clashed a bit with her very warm toned hair, but she was radiant. She completely rocks the red carpet and I love her personality. I wish we'd see more of her! I love seeing the curvy gals knock 'em dead. http://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/galleries/the_2010_academy_awards_the_oscars_red_carpet_winners_and_big_moments/the_2010_academy_awards_the_oscars_red_carpet_winners_and_big_moments.html
Sigourney Weaver - Keeps showing up in red dresses (or kelly green). I'm not a fan of red (or kelly green) on her. And PLEASE.....wear a bra. Ugh. She looked very matronly and top heavy. Did she steal the shoulder ornamentation from a Ben Hur costume? http://oscar.go.com/red-carpet/82nd-red-carpet/4294/4556
Kathryn Bigelow had a gorgeous dress on. I wasn't crazy about it, but it suited her. (Did anyone think she was going to pass out after winning Best Movie?? I kept waiting......) I also wish she had done something different with her hair. She looked like she just got done with a long day directing and threw on a sexy dress before heading out the door. http://oscar.go.com/red-carpet/82nd-red-carpet/4294/4695
Molly Ringwald - LOVED the vibrant purple dress she was wearing....but just not on her. She looked like the walking dead and was whiter than even I get in the winter! Maybe I would have liked it better if she wasn't wearing a stick straight bob. Do something with the hair, Molly! http://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/galleries/the_2010_academy_awards_the_oscars_red_carpet_winners_and_big_moments/the_2010_academy_awards_the_oscars_red_carpet_winners_and_big_moments.html
Maggie Gyllenhall - Hated it. Looked like she was just wearing a tie dyed bag. I would have liked it more if she would have worn her hair down to soften the harsh geometric slashes on the dress. Someone needs to feed her a cracker. She looks hungry. http://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/galleries/the_2010_academy_awards_the_oscars_red_carpet_winners_and_big_moments/the_2010_academy_awards_the_oscars_red_carpet_winners_and_big_moments.html
Jane Seymour - Ohhhhhhhh pleaseohpleaseohplease let me look as hot as her when I get older. She's still GORGEOUS! Class. Pure class. http://oscar.go.com/red-carpet/82nd-red-carpet/4294/4560
(Thanks to NYDailyNews.com and oscar.go.com for the fabulous pictures!)
Sandra Bullock - GORGEOUS. Shimmery, body hugging and glamorous. Her hair looked silky and contrasted nicely against the light color of her dress. http://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/galleries/the_2010_academy_awards_the_oscars_red_carpet_winners_and_big_moments/the_2010_academy_awards_the_oscars_red_carpet_winners_and_big_moments.html
Mo'nique - I loved that blue on her and the flowers in her hair were gorgeous, and a bit different from what we normally see on the carpet. Very simple and classy. http://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/galleries/the_2010_academy_awards_the_oscars_red_carpet_winners_and_big_moments/the_2010_academy_awards_the_oscars_red_carpet_winners_and_big_moments.html
Gabourney Sidbe - It's tough to look glamorous in a size 0 world, but that girl was WORKIN' it. Her personality is to die for! The blue was elegant on her and I loved the silver adornments. The only thing I wish she would have done differently was her hair. It was just too blah for her look. http://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/galleries/the_2010_academy_awards_the_oscars_red_carpet_winners_and_big_moments/the_2010_academy_awards_the_oscars_red_carpet_winners_and_big_moments.html
Meryl Streep - Classic. Very simple and elegant, but terribly blaaaaaah. I don't think that dress could have worked on anyone else and sheer white is so difficult to pull off without looking like a dinner napkin. It worked well for Meryl, but it didn't "wow" me. http://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/galleries/the_2010_academy_awards_the_oscars_red_carpet_winners_and_big_moments/the_2010_academy_awards_the_oscars_red_carpet_winners_and_big_moments.html
Penelope Cruz - I loved the cranberry color on her, but I couldn't help but flash back to late 80's/early 90's prom dresses. http://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/galleries/the_2010_academy_awards_the_oscars_red_carpet_winners_and_big_moments/the_2010_academy_awards_the_oscars_red_carpet_winners_and_big_moments.html
Anna Kendrick - The dress was soft and lovely, but the color washed her out horribly. It was hard to tell where the dress ended and her leg started in the slit in the dress. So much potential...such a horrible color. http://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/galleries/the_2010_academy_awards_the_oscars_red_carpet_winners_and_big_moments/the_2010_academy_awards_the_oscars_red_carpet_winners_and_big_moments.html
Sarah Jessica Parker - Hate, hate HATED it. Uck. It looked like she had flowers metal plated onto her chest. What was up with the scarfy strap wrapped around her neck? Matthew could have used it on the carpet to reel her in when she wandered too far away. And what was up with the HAIR? Cinnabuns on her head? Princess Leia in the back, sleek in the front? The only plus? The yellow color of the dress was beautiful. http://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/galleries/the_2010_academy_awards_the_oscars_red_carpet_winners_and_big_moments/the_2010_academy_awards_the_oscars_red_carpet_winners_and_big_moments.html
Kate Winslet - Another old Hollywood style dress, but the color left me a little blah. I loved her statement necklace. So many ladies wearing strapless dresses left the necklaces off, but not Kate. I still love her best in auburn hair, but she looked very old Hollywood with the blonde waves cascading down. http://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/galleries/the_2010_academy_awards_the_oscars_red_carpet_winners_and_big_moments/the_2010_academy_awards_the_oscars_red_carpet_winners_and_big_moments.html
Kristen Stewart - The dress was great in silky midnight blue, but if that girl doesn't smile soon, I'm going to have to kick her ass. You're at the OSCAR'S girl! Show a little appreciation for what you've achieved. http://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/galleries/the_2010_academy_awards_the_oscars_red_carpet_winners_and_big_moments/the_2010_academy_awards_the_oscars_red_carpet_winners_and_big_moments.html
Mariah Carey - Skanky as ever. When is she going to quit dressing like a 21 year old? (Mimi...you're beautiful, and we know it, but dressing your age is SO much classier than leaving nothing to the imagination.) I think I'd drop dead of shock if I saw her covered up. http://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/galleries/the_2010_academy_awards_the_oscars_red_carpet_winners_and_big_moments/the_2010_academy_awards_the_oscars_red_carpet_winners_and_big_moments.html
Miley Cyrus - Had the quadra-boob thing going on. I hate tops with that style "cup" on them. Looks horrible on everyone and it drives me up a wall when women wear it. This dress was too mature for her. She needs to have FUN with fashion while she can! http://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/galleries/the_2010_academy_awards_the_oscars_red_carpet_winners_and_big_moments/the_2010_academy_awards_the_oscars_red_carpet_winners_and_big_moments.html
Cameron Diaz - LOVED it! Sparkly, but not in a bedazzler kind of way. She had the "girl next door grows up and turns into a bombshell" look going on. http://oscar.go.com/red-carpet/82nd-red-carpet/4294/4847
Jennifer Lopez - I'm torn on this. Not a fan of the color, but I liked the unique style on the front. (Was it made out of bubble wrap?) From the side and back though, she looked like sausage casing. Could she breathe? http://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/galleries/the_2010_academy_awards_the_oscars_red_carpet_winners_and_big_moments/the_2010_academy_awards_the_oscars_red_carpet_winners_and_big_moments.html
Demi Moore - Loved the dress, but that peachy beige was soooooo boring. Blended too much with her own skin tone. I'm not a fan of that look. (Really hate it when Nicole Kidman does that too) I think it would have been PERFECT for her in a more vibrant color. Deep peach? Emerald green? http://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/galleries/the_2010_academy_awards_the_oscars_red_carpet_winners_and_big_moments/the_2010_academy_awards_the_oscars_red_carpet_winners_and_big_moments.html
Charlize Theron - Oh.......Charlize. What the hell..... I thought it looked like she had cinnamon rolls on her hootie hoos. Other than that, the dress would have been beautiful, but otherwise? Ugh. And do NOT pair a RED LIP with a LAVENDAR DRESS unless you want people to think you got ready to go BEFORE you picked out your Oscar dress and color scheme! http://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/galleries/the_2010_academy_awards_the_oscars_red_carpet_winners_and_big_moments/the_2010_academy_awards_the_oscars_red_carpet_winners_and_big_moments.html
Taylor Lautner - OK. Don't get mad. He's not a she. But he was just so hot that I had to add him to my list as a DO! ;) I was licking the TV screen. I am soooo team Jacob. http://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/galleries/the_2010_academy_awards_the_oscars_red_carpet_winners_and_big_moments/the_2010_academy_awards_the_oscars_red_carpet_winners_and_big_moments.html
Zoe Saldana - Beautiful, beautiful, BEAUTIFUL! ....Until I got to the purple cauliflower/pinata deformities below her knees. I felt the urge to belt out "Copacobana". Ugh. I just couldn't get past that crap on the bottom. I loved the color though and just with it would have been designed differently. http://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/galleries/the_2010_academy_awards_the_oscars_red_carpet_winners_and_big_moments/the_2010_academy_awards_the_oscars_red_carpet_winners_and_big_moments.html
Tina Fey - Simple. She should really try something besides black one of these days. I love how she was rocking an 80's pompadour hair style. Kind of. On a plus side, she improved vastly from her Golden Globes dress. http://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/galleries/the_2010_academy_awards_the_oscars_red_carpet_winners_and_big_moments/the_2010_academy_awards_the_oscars_red_carpet_winners_and_big_moments.html
Elizabeth Banks - Normally, I'm not crazy about grey dresses on anyone, but this looked heavenly on her. Paired with the crystal hair decorations, I thought it was very classy and gorgeous. I'm jealous because I know I could never pull off wearing this color. I'd be paler than Casper the Ghost. http://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/galleries/the_2010_academy_awards_the_oscars_red_carpet_winners_and_big_moments/the_2010_academy_awards_the_oscars_red_carpet_winners_and_big_moments.html
Queen Latifah - Nailed it. That dress was GORGEOUS on her. The color clashed a bit with her very warm toned hair, but she was radiant. She completely rocks the red carpet and I love her personality. I wish we'd see more of her! I love seeing the curvy gals knock 'em dead. http://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/galleries/the_2010_academy_awards_the_oscars_red_carpet_winners_and_big_moments/the_2010_academy_awards_the_oscars_red_carpet_winners_and_big_moments.html
Sigourney Weaver - Keeps showing up in red dresses (or kelly green). I'm not a fan of red (or kelly green) on her. And PLEASE.....wear a bra. Ugh. She looked very matronly and top heavy. Did she steal the shoulder ornamentation from a Ben Hur costume? http://oscar.go.com/red-carpet/82nd-red-carpet/4294/4556
Kathryn Bigelow had a gorgeous dress on. I wasn't crazy about it, but it suited her. (Did anyone think she was going to pass out after winning Best Movie?? I kept waiting......) I also wish she had done something different with her hair. She looked like she just got done with a long day directing and threw on a sexy dress before heading out the door. http://oscar.go.com/red-carpet/82nd-red-carpet/4294/4695
Molly Ringwald - LOVED the vibrant purple dress she was wearing....but just not on her. She looked like the walking dead and was whiter than even I get in the winter! Maybe I would have liked it better if she wasn't wearing a stick straight bob. Do something with the hair, Molly! http://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/galleries/the_2010_academy_awards_the_oscars_red_carpet_winners_and_big_moments/the_2010_academy_awards_the_oscars_red_carpet_winners_and_big_moments.html
Maggie Gyllenhall - Hated it. Looked like she was just wearing a tie dyed bag. I would have liked it more if she would have worn her hair down to soften the harsh geometric slashes on the dress. Someone needs to feed her a cracker. She looks hungry. http://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/galleries/the_2010_academy_awards_the_oscars_red_carpet_winners_and_big_moments/the_2010_academy_awards_the_oscars_red_carpet_winners_and_big_moments.html
Jane Seymour - Ohhhhhhhh pleaseohpleaseohplease let me look as hot as her when I get older. She's still GORGEOUS! Class. Pure class. http://oscar.go.com/red-carpet/82nd-red-carpet/4294/4560
(Thanks to NYDailyNews.com and oscar.go.com for the fabulous pictures!)
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